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I recently willingly sat for a sun tan. Not because I needed to get darker, but because my son needed me to sit in the sun. 

Now when I say needed, it was not that he was doing a school project or in any physical need per-se. My son is a budding cricketer, he was being affected by some off the field issues and it was affecting his game. Two days before the game we had a few man to man heart to heart conversations. 

The conversations didn’t surround wallowing in pity, hell no! Instead I pointed out that the things off the field are beyond his control and to focus on the things that he can control. His thoughts, his feelings, his actions.

Having had my own struggles, I knew what it is like fighting off feelings of self-pity and it really is not easy. It’s ok to cry, scream and release the tension in some healthy physical way, pray. Do whatever is needed to get the negative feelings and toxins out of your headspace and body. 

Then go back and face the world again. We were designed so wonderfully that our bodies naturally detoxify when we sweat, exhale, and use the toilet. The same goes for our emotional, mental and spiritual selves. 

The video above was the result. I sat in the sun for his innings and cheered every dot ball, every single, and every boundary. 

So my tan was worth it, I got to see my son break his cycle of low scores but more so, develop some character to fight. 

Who are you cheering today?

Growing naturally from the roots of blackness, curling like the cerebrum encased below.

People once thought to be less than human, illiterate, savages.

How did we get hair?

Centuries of innovation, decades of mathematicians, years of oceanic navigation.

Crossing channels, like the rows of corn neatly parted on my crown. 

How did we get hair?

From sharing knowledge with humanity, to fighting, shedding blood to enter a university.

Still in 2023, I look at brick and mortar laid by the hands of my ancestors and wonder…

How did we get hair?

Peeping through your stained window

Wanting to use the other word for donkey

However, I will keep my dignity and my class

Hair! Is not where I want to be. 

Hair! Is not where we should be as a society.

Hair! Cannot be the measure of my humanity.

Hair! Is not the measure of my character.

Hair! Is not a moral barometer.

Oh…the Trinity of curls, roots and cerebrum beneath.

Has me thinking, in 2023, futuristically begging the almighty.

Please, don’t let 2024 leave me without and answer, to this question

How Did We Get Hair?

Copyright Stephen John 

June 29^th 2023

Growing up in church was and is always interesting. You are certain to hear the stories of the Israelites forever fighting against their enemies the “Ites”. Amalakites, Perrizites, Cananites and Philistines in your Sunday school classes. 

We are captivated by the heroics of David defeating Goliath, the exploits and victories of Joshua, Gideon and Deborah. We are encouraged to model and imitate these heroes of the faith and know that we will be attacked by those who don’t share our belief system.

However, what happens when the enemy is an “ite” but of a friendly nature? When the enemy shares your beliefs? When the enemy is an Israelite?

What do we do, how do you handle the attack? We can learn a few things from scripture. David was pursued by his own son Absalom. Psalm chapter 3 gives us a hint as to how David in the midst of panic and confusion was able to be resilient. He still had to fight, he still had to face fear. He, however, rested and slept knowing that God would protect him from his enemies. 

Imagine asking God to defend you from your own family. Definitely not a happy place. 

Joseph was sold into slavery, not by the evil enemies of his father but his very own brothers. What was the root of this? Just plain jealousy. Joseph was the youngest sibling and simply shared a vision, a dream that he had, his God-given life purpose. His brothers didn’t appreciate the fact that he would one day “rule” over them.

We have the advantage of reading the narrative from beginning to end, however, Joseph had to live it. He endured every second of slave trading, every second of deceit, every second of jail. It is only at the end Joseph could say, you all meant this for evil but, in hindsight it was for all of our good. 

There are more examples I could list however, I would just do the best model of all Jesus. Jesus was a Jew who came to the Jews; the Jews rejected him and were the loudest voices and instigators for his crucifixion. Judas was hand-picked to become the rat that would hand Jesus over, the sell-out. When Jesus taught the disciples, he taught Judas too. When he prayed for them, he prayed for Judas too. When he washed their feet, he washed Judas’ as well. Funny that Jesus picked the man that would sell him out (that is for another time). Jesus never ill-treated Judas, he stayed mostly silent during his interrogations while the people he came to cried to crucify him, and still he asked his heavenly father to forgive them. 

As I survey my life, I recognize most of the attacks I have received did not come from hostile fire, it came from within the community that share the same beliefs that I do. The thing about the Sunday school stories is that they don’t prepare you for friendly fire. You anticipate attacks to come from the liars, fornicators, adulterers, homosexuals that exist outside, not from the community. Truthfully, many times I received more help, more grace, more support from outside. Not because I gave up my beliefs, but because I do my best to respect people and to work well with all who cross my path. 

How to deal with friendly fire? Here’s what I learned so far in my short sojourn on earth.

1. It’s not about me – I am only responsible for and in control of my thoughts, my feelings, my action and my words. 
2. Propulsion – I let it propel me to pursue my goals, my peace, things that I enjoy and people that have a genuine interest and care in seeing me do well.
3. Silence – Silence is gold. I don’t always have to defend myself, I don’t always have to share my opinions and thoughts, I don’t always have to share my goals and plans. 
4. Speak up – There is a time for everything. I choose wisely when to fight and when to walk. Sometimes walking is part of the fight. 

What do you do when the attack comes from friendly fire?

I have been in many situations where things don’t go as planned, where there are delays or where things just move rather slowly. I have been told that I am overly patient, many times to my own detriment. 

I have still been giving thought to my ability to not become anxious and or irritated when I experience delays. 

Weighting implies importance, something that is given priority. It speaks to special allocation, allowance made in special circumstances. What do I give priority to when there are delays? What do I emphasize while I wait? The issue isn’t only about attaining and satisfying the goal, but giving priority to my emotional, mental, physical and spiritual betterment. Allocating time and energy to develop softer skills, to adding new skills instead of complaining and or comparing myself to others proved to be the better option. This gave me a sense of contentment and calm that allowed me to keep working. 

Patience is not the easiest virtue to develop and apply. It requires a disposition that goes against the need to immediately gain relief, pleasure, acknowledgement or fulfilment. The question I have started asking myself while I wait is “who am I becoming?” 

We all desire things to go well, but very often life has other plans. We don’t always get what we want, how we want it, where we want and when we want. One reason for this is the fact that many of our goals require the assistance of other individuals for them to materialize. I acknowledge that I can acquire the things I want quickly if I wanted to, however, who am I becoming?

If I get that dream job, would that make me kinder? If I get the acknowledgement, would it make me less selfish? If I can get the relationship I desire, would it make me more loving? 

What if I got all that I desired, would I be altogether healthy? The comfort and relief of getting the things I want immediately, was contrary to the growth that I needed. Learning to control my unhealthy desires, learning to be tenacious and learning greater assertiveness only occurred when I had the right attitude while I waited. Placing the priority and emphasis on learning, growing and becoming more self-aware, was of greater benefit than attaining whatever I was waiting on. This allowed me to change my focus from the unfulfilled desire and the disappointment it could bring, to focus on the beauty and gratitude for what I have. 

In my family we have a tradition called the “Thankful Bottle”. Throughout the year we make little notes of things we are thankful for and place it in the bottle. On New Year’s morning, we open the bottle and read all the notes. What this has helped with is recognising that more things often went well than not. It shows us that even while we keep working on our goals, progress has been made. 

I have learned to appreciate every moment and to be thankful for what I currently have. I hope that we all learn to Patiently Weight as we push towards achieving our goals. James 1:4 “Let patience finish its work, that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Bless…

I prayed over you in the womb before I saw your face.
I sang songs that made you dance and run and giggle in that wee little space.
A boy? A girl? Who could tell? Anxiety grew inside, all that mattered was ten tiny fingers... ten tiny toes and a killer screaming cry. 

Diapers by the dozen, bottles by the case. Sleep!? What's that again? There is no escape.
Cries turn into chatter, little feet walk and run. A stumble, a fall, I secretly watch, get up, get up my child, you're ok, come on run... 

Fingers scribble on paper, "daddy that is you", numbers are easy 2×1=2!!
Lunch kits all packed, after school chats, secret stops for a snack.
Cheering from the stands for Cricket, Gymnastics and Track. 

Disagreements, disappointments, apologies, can you forgive me please? Daddy does not always get it right, though I try with supernatural might. 

Some days it feels I failed, some days I am amazed, some days I feel accomplished, then shudder at the work unfinished. 

One day you all will fly away, I will trust God with the rest. Knowing as your daddy, I would have done my best. 

 

My parents’ marriage didn’t work out - my mother and father divorced when I was around ten  years old. I am now aware as an adult that my mother was advised, by persons in the church community, to stay in the marriage relationship despite the fact that it was abusive on many different levels. Today, I am thankful that she didn’t as the storyline of my life would have been very different.

This preamble of my blog is crucial information to the content of this piece. You see, at that time (and it still happens today) divorcees and their children were treated as lepers and outcasts: kept on the outskirts of the community, given what some may consider non-important ministry during service and treated as “less than saints”.

Allow me to share with you one of the most devastating memories I have of our life at that time. It was one of the few occasions that we as children were allowed to see my mother’s pain, allowed to see her wounded. Things were always tight financially and around that time our roof badly needed repairs. My mother approached the church, our church, for some sheets of roofing that were lying around unoccupied on the church compound to assist with repairs to our home. The person responsible for the roofing sheets said to my mother “There are no free lunches in life.” Needless to say, we did not receive the sheets.

As I peruse the scripture, I notice that God was very much concerned about social justice and those who were disenfranchised by the circumstances of life. Some of these are Malachi 3:5, Deuteronomy 15 and James 1:27, just to list a few.

The Israelites were commanded to seek after the welfare of each member of their society. This was not an option. Deuteronomy 15:7 and 8 says”…do not be hard-hearted or tight-fisted toward your poor brother. Rather be open-handed and freely lend him whatever he needs.” There was concern for every member of the community. The statement that the fellow church member made to my mother years aback has to some degree haunted me since then as it is in direct contradiction to the statues God has given. The sense of community, and collective responsibility to the less fortunate is crucial to the growth and prosperity of the church community (James 1:27, Micah 6:8). We can sing songs of deliverance, claim and decree and declare in our worship but if we are not obedient to God’s word, how can the church experience genuine, godly success and blessing? (1 Cor 13)

I thank God that my mother was a fighter; she was resilient, determined and faithful to God. Things may have turned out very different for us as a family if she wasn’t. My sisters and I have not, by the grace of God, followed the script written for us by society as children of a broken home with a single-parent divorced mother. As a family we strive to be intentional in our support and encouragement of each other as we celebrate our successes, and failures in the different stages and milestones of life. We love tangibly. 

It is my earnest prayer that we the church do some introspection and with the Spirit’s enablement, intentionally and lovingly meet the needs of those around us and become the community that God intended.

As I sit here to write this I struggle to even piece the thoughts together. Should I be totally open? Should I polish it? Should I be tactful? 

One of the most painful experiences I have ever had was seeing the congregation of my church walking out on me as my band and I tried to engage with them at the end of a Sunday service. Was I preaching heresy? No. Was I doing some ungodly act? No. Was I being disrespectful to the pastor or members? No. My “sin” was presenting some original works, promoting my concert, and asking for support. In five minutes, the congregation went from approximately 500 people to about 15. Needless to say, I was totally embarrassed as I stood standing asking for their attention, asking for silence so I could make the announcement and do a few songs. Like in the parable of the sower and the seed, my plea fell on stony ground and the birds gladly swooped it up.

I learnt quite a few lessons that day and that week that followed;

Core support is never in the masses:

Having lots of people around you and cheering you on feels good. However, when the next trend or hip thing comes along, the masses will be gone in five minutes or less. The 15 people that remain are the ones that will support you in the good times and in the bad times. Whether you’re hip or unknown, look for the 15 people and keep going. Ask Gideon: he had to settle and fight with 300 hundred. And guess what? He won.

Even in church, not everyone around you is for you:

Some will smile, maybe even compliment you, but they may not be for you. After that experience I asked God for discernment; in my naivety I once thought every member in my congregation was “for me”. Well, the reality of life is different. Some will do things to malign your name as well as undermine your work and credibility. I did not retaliate in kind but drew on my inner strength. After that week (?) I continued to pursue a genuine relationship with Christ and to engage in fellowship with believers who sincerely cared about me as a person and who wanted to live out God’s word daily. Not everyone that calls you ‘brother’ thinks of you as a brother.

You are stronger than you know:

It was ironic. In the face of humiliation my bandmates questioned why my “own” would treat me that way. Yes, I felt hurt, yes I cried, my wife was upset; we both wondered, “Why?” Faithful member, worship leader, keyboardist, former choir director: Why? However, after searching myself and dealing with the pain, I found a strength I didn’t know that I had. One that allows me to smile with the Judases knowing they will eventually betray. A strength to pursue in the face of challenges. The strength to cry out to God, to praise Him - even when I didn’t feel to. I am quite a skinny guy, so my muscular strength isn’t that much, but I found out that real strength is not measured in muscles but in heart, in passion, and in mental and spiritual resilience.

Passion can be a lonely road:

When you’re passionate about something, it can be a long, lonely trek. Your passion will be questioned and misunderstood. Your passion will be used as the barometer and thermometer of your walk with Christ. The thing that you are passionate about, some will consider it your idol because of your discipline and dedication to learn and improve. In my case, it is music. Needing to learn and grow in an environment where many are less passionate is quite disheartening at times. My passion and drive have been and at times probably are easily misinterpreted as “you love that thing more than God”. However, as lonely as it is, only God knows my heart and commitment to him. He will reward in due time.

So there you have it, a few things I learned from that experience, as painful as it was. I believe, and I am convinced, I have come out better. God indeed does work all things out for your good.

Bless